


I want to make up my mind but I don’t know myself

by TardisIsTheOnlyWayToTravel



Series: I Get a Little Bit Genghis Khan [1]
Category: Genghis Khan - Miike Snow (Music Video)
Genre: 1960s, Dancing, Get Together, Gold Nose Villain's POV, Homosexuality, M/M, Spies & Secret Agents, Supervillains, This ship is actually canon and I love it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-29
Updated: 2016-02-29
Packaged: 2018-05-24 01:04:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6136104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TardisIsTheOnlyWayToTravel/pseuds/TardisIsTheOnlyWayToTravel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are pivotal moments in every relationship, and declaring your feelings to the secret agent you have strapped beneath a superlaser is one of them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I want to make up my mind but I don’t know myself

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so for those of you who haven't seen the video, it can be found [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P_SlAzsXa7E).This ship is canon, and for those of you who haven't seen it, it's adorable. Bizarre, but adorable.
> 
> Since the villain doesn't have a specific name that we know of, I borrowed the name used by icarus_chained. You should definitely go and read their [fic](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5849608/chapters/13482802) in this fandom, if you like the video - their fic is wonderful.
> 
> I will hopefully write more of this verse at some point.

** I want to make up my mind but I don’t know myself **

James had been so charming, was the thing. Maybe if he hadn’t been, Sphinx wouldn’t have fallen for him the way he did.

They’d met at a charity gala. Sphinx had a habit of attending charity events (at least the ones which would accept a known supervillain’s money); just because he was a supervillain didn’t mean he didn’t care about the plight of the unfortunate. Quite the opposite, in fact - Sphinx cared a lot. He’d been one of them, after all, and he knew what it was like to find yourself in desperate circumstances through no fault of your own, with nowhere to turn to.

He’d been an ordinary man, once, an ordinary man whom the so-called ‘good guys’ had screwed over, and they’d never given a damn about it until he chose to remake himself as a supervillain. Over the years, as practically ever intelligence organisation came after him at some point or another, Sphinx had come to believe that most of the major organisations supposedly devoted to protecting ‘the national interest’ were, in fact, more invested in protecting their own interests, to the detriment of the everyday people who got caught up in their machinations. Yes, Sphinx was a supervillain, but he cared about individuals, where the organisations who opposed him did not. 

Sure, he killed those who stood in his way, but those who stood in his way were usually secret agents who had even more blood on their hands than he did, who worked without remorse for organisations who would gladly sacrifice innocents for the sake of ‘The Greater Good’. Behind the glamour, most of those agents were little better than hired killers, really: people who would kill whoever they were told to, simply because they had been given orders to do so. Occasionally one or two might question those orders, but when it came down to the line, none of them hesitated. Sphinx despised them for it, and usually killed them without much regret: after all, he knew all too well the suffering most of those agents had caused, and had copies of the internal memos to prove it. No, it wasn’t very nice of him, but Sphinx hadn’t been a nice man in a long, long time. Whether he was a good man, on the other hand, depended very much on whose opinion you were listening to.

His henchmen loved him: he was a fair boss, demanding good work but never asking for the unreasonable; he paid well; and he never took out his temper on any of them the way some supervillains did with their henchmen. Most of all, Sphinx didn’t regard his henchmen as expendable, but as living, breathing people, and they knew it. If any of his people were injured in the line of duty, they received the best care possible, and in the event that one of them should unfortunately be killed – Sphinx had a policy that their families would be well-looked after. He’d only had to implement the policy a handful of times – the location of his secret base had twice been discovered by intelligence organisations, and the resulting firefights hadn’t ended well for anyone – but each time he felt sorrow for the individuals who had lost their lives simply because they’d worked for him. Sphinx liked to think that he had a positive working relationship with his people; he knew most of them by name, which was more than a lot of people could say about their subordinates, and he chatted to them all from time to time, asking about their families, whether they’d had a good weekend, that sort of thing. 

So yes, his henchmen loved him, but the organisations he worked to bring down despised him. Sphinx had lost count of how many assassins they’d sent after him, trying to kill him.

He supposed that he’d gotten a little too used to the obvious assassination attempts: too complacent. He was so used to people being sent to kill him that it never occurred to him that one of these days, the organisations he worked against might try other means to bring him down. But finally, one of them did, and that was where James came into the picture.

When the handsome man in the tuxedo had wandered over, a martini glass in one hand and a charming smile on his face, Sphinx had never stopped to think that maybe it was a trap: he’d only marvelled that someone was actually _approaching_ him. Between his reputation as an evil supervillain, and the scar tissue which marred his appearance, people usually kept their distance. But James, as he introduced himself, had seemed genuinely interested in Sphinx’s goals and aims, and the two of them had ended up staying up well into the early hours of the morning, debating ethics and the dubious morality of institutions. No, they hadn’t agreed on a lot of things, but they’d seemed to agree on a lot of others, and James was charming and funny and eloquent, and the energy between them was positively electric, and the thought had struck Sphinx, with all the revelatory power of a major epiphany: _This is what I’ve been missing._

He loved his wife, but he’d never been _in_ love with her, not really. At the time, he’d thought it would be enough: that he could settle for what they had, and build happiness from it. But over the years, the effort to pretend that things were normal between them wore on Sphinx, their model family life feeling more and more like a pretence, one which felt harder and harder to keep up. Sphinx had just begun to realise that he was never going to be happy living a lie with Natalia, no matter how fond he was of her. Meeting James threw that fact into stark relief, as for the first time, Sphinx realised that there were other choices he could have made. Could still make, if he only had the courage.

Sphinx wasn’t quite at the point where he was ready to leave Natalia – he knew that things would be shattered forever between them, and couldn’t quite face that yet – but he knew, deep down, that that particular eventuality was inevitable. Even as he agonised over what to do about his family, about his marriage, he found himself making space in his life and heart for James. Sphinx had fallen, hard and fast, for the other man: and although he hadn’t quite ready to start his life over, he had almost been ready to make that leap.

And then it had all come crashing down, with a leaked dossier that held a photograph of James’s face, and a damning report on his current mission: to get close to Sphinx, and find out everything he needed to know to bring Sphinx down. Information that James had long since coaxed out of Sphinx, in casual, innocuous questions.

Sphinx should have seen it coming: why else would such a personable man have shown interest in him? He should have been suspicious from the outset. Instead, he’d been _happy,_ too grateful that such a wonderful man as James had seen him as worthwhile when so many others had dismissed him, to ever stop to think about _why._ At the time, it had seemed like a miracle: now, Sphinx just felt like the world’s biggest idiot.

As soon as he’d known the truth, he’d had James strapped to a table beneath his latest method for getting rid of unwanted secret agents: a giant superlaser.

As James stared up at him from the table, his expression desperate and terrified, Sphinx felt none of his usual vindictive satisfaction – only pain and grief, for what might have been, and for what he’d thought he had, before the happy delusion had been cruelly ripped away from him thanks to that accursed dossier.

Sphinx had just spent the evening with his family, and it had driven home to him, more than ever, how much he wanted what he’d thought was between him and James – still, even knowing that it had all been a lie, he _wanted_. That was the worst part. He wanted James and he wanted the life he’d thought they could build together, and he wanted, more than anything, for this to turn out to be some kind of terrible dream.

He knew it wasn’t. But then, Sphinx thought bitterly, when had life ever been kind enough to him for that?

James was still staring up at him in terror, and Sphinx couldn’t help it. He burst into violent movements, letting the movements express his feelings, and broke into song.

_ I get a little bit Genghis Khan / Don't want you to get it on with nobody else but me. _

Some passing henchmen stopped to provide back-up singing, used to this particular form of emotional expression from their boss, before continuing on their way.

James looked bewildered now, as well as terrified.

Sphinx ordered the head scientist to ready the superlaser, and took the remote control from him. The device held two buttons: one labelled ‘KILL,’ the other labelled ‘RELEASE.’ Sphinx’s hand hovered over the kill button, and he tried to make himself press it. James’s panicked breathing was loud in the silence.

Sphinx couldn’t bring himself to do it. Taking a deep breath, he pressed the release button, and turned away from the secret agent. 

Sphinx could hear the agent scrambling off the table as the restraints opened, and Sphinx’s henchmen surged forward, raising their weapons: but Sphinx called them off, glancing briefly at James, who was backing away from the armed men without even a glance in Sphinx’s direction. Sphinx bowed his head, and stood there, waiting for James to leave, unable to bring himself to look at the man he’d fallen so deeply for. He knew that James would return to the organisation he worked for, full of secrets which could be used to bring Sphinx down, but – Sphinx just couldn’t bring himself to do anything about it. Even though that organisation would do their best to ensure Sphinx’s death, as they always had.

There was the sound of uneven footsteps retreating, and then silence. Sphinx’s head remained bowed, and he battled to keep his emotions from showing on his face.

But then –

The footsteps started up again, and an unsteady voice started to sing.

_ I get a little bit Genghis Khan / I don’t want you to get it on with nobody else but me / With nobody else with me. _

Sphinx turned, disbelieving, to see that James was approaching him. The secret agent’s expression was resolved, his steps firm, even though the look in his eyes screamed that he had no idea what he was doing, both fear and hope intermingled in his gaze.

Sphinx felt himself break into an incredulous, amazed smile, because he’d given James the chance to leave, free of strings, free to share the information that could destroy him, and yet… James was _here_. Here, approaching him, in spite of everything. Sphinx moved to meet James in the middle of the floor, matching him move for move. The two of them danced in synchrony, their gazes locked on one another, and there was no hesitation in James’s movements. Sphinx’s henchmen hummed and tapped along as he and James sang to one another, still dancing.

Maybe it was a trick. Maybe it was. But right now Sphinx couldn’t bring himself to care, too happy at his unexpected good fortune. If believing in this meant his death, so be it: maybe such a death would be worth it, if it meant that Sphinx could _believe_ , even for just a little while. It had been so long since he’d had any genuine happiness that Sphinx couldn’t make himself do anything other than grab onto this opportunity with both hands.

Sphinx and James’s dance finally came to an end, the two of them standing intimately close, their faces almost close enough for them to kiss. All Sphinx needed to do was lean a little bit further in and –

Sphinx stepped back, taking a deep breath, and lowered his upraised arm. James stood there, chest heaving with deep breaths, his expression bewildered and shaken beneath his composed facade.

For a long moment, they just stood there, under the gaze of Sphinx’s henchmen.

“What do we do now?” 

It was the secret agent who broke the silence, looking to Sphinx for answers.

“I don’t know,” said Sphinx truthfully. The two of them stared at each other, neither sure what to do next.

There was a discreet cough from one of Sphinx’s henchmen. Sphinx turned his head to look at him.

“Yes, Anton?”

“Perhaps the two of you would like to move to the kitchens, and discuss your next move over a meal?” Anton suggested tactfully.

“I… yes,” said Sphinx, recalling that James had been strapped to the table all night, and it had to have been nearly a day since the other man had last eaten. “An excellent idea. Thank you, Anton.”

Sphinx turned back to James, who was watching him like he had no idea what Sphinx was going to do next. A not unreasonable position to take, considering that minutes prior, Sphinx had been planning to kill him with a superlaser, before releasing him instead, and then proceeding to dance with him.

“That is, if you don’t mind…?” Sphinx began, and James shook his head.

“I could use something to eat,” he said, and politely refrained from pointing out that it was Sphinx’s fault that he was hungry in the first place, even though he was no doubt thinking it.

“Then let’s go down to the kitchens,” said Sphinx. He paused, and looked at the assembled henchmen. “Gentlemen, I believe that James and I would prefer to have our much-needed discussion without an audience.”

There were some murmurs of protest, and it was Craig who asked, “But boss, what if he tries something?”

“Then I will deal with it on my own,” said Sphinx, and smiled reassuringly at Craig’s worried face. “I’m harder to kill than you think, Craig, I assure you. But if he does kill me, feel free to say ‘I told you so’ at the funeral–” 

Sphinx stopped there, because of the look on James face.

“I wouldn’t,” said the secret agent, and there was something twisted and painful in his expression. “You have to believe me, I wouldn’t.”

Sphinx was taken-aback by James’ evident distress. His remark had been flippant, spoken without any real thought, but James was looking at Sphinx like he was desperate for Sphinx to believe him – looking at him like a man used to being disbelieved, Sphinx thought.

“I believe you,” Sphinx said gently, not sure how else to deal with that. “Now come on, I had you strapped to that table for hours, you must be starving.”

Still looking distressed, James waited as Sphinx gave his henchmen orders. He made no movement to break free as Sphinx took his arm and guided him out of the room, down the labyrinthine corridors, and downstairs to the kitchens.

The kitchens were deserted at this time of night, and so Sphinx turned on the coffee machine and got out the ground coffee from where they were stored, because he suspected that this could be a long, somewhat painful conversation, and God knew that he’d need the stimulant.

“Please, sit down – make yourself at home,” Sphinx said over his shoulder as he put the ground coffee into the coffee machine. James did so, sinking down onto one of the chairs near the long wooden table. He looked baffled and faintly alarmed, like he didn’t quite know what he was doing there.

Sphinx finished making the two cups of coffee, and put one down in front of James. The next thing he did was get out some bread and some thick slices of ham.

“You want a ham sandwich?” he asked, and James nodded silently, still looking baffled and alarmed. But he made no move to leave as Sphinx made them both sandwiches, before putting the plate of food down on the table in front of James and taking a seat himself.

“I was surprised to learn that James is your real name,” he said as James grabbed a sandwich, because that seemed like a good start.

James looked like he hadn’t expected that statement at all.

“It is. Not Bond, though,” he said, and laughed a little at his own joke. Sphinx might have judged him for that, except that James’ laugh was breathy and faintly hysterical. “It’s Addams. James Addams.”

“Karl Majors,” Sphinx offered, because although he rarely used that name, these days, James deserved to know. “Or at least, it was before I became a supervillain.”

“I know – I read your, uh, your file,” said James, and had the grace to look uncomfortable about it. He took a bite of his sandwich.

“Ah. Yes. I suppose you would have,” said Sphinx, who hadn’t really thought about it until now. “I suppose they told you exactly how to approach me,” he mused, unable to stop the bitterness in his tone.

“Well, yes,” said James, and sent him a look that Sphinx couldn’t quite read. “Not that it was really much help, considering.”

“What do you mean?” Sphinx asked.

“According to our records, you’re a happily married, _straight_ man,” said James, heavy irony in his tone. “I was supposed to befriend you, not – well –”

“Seduce me?” said Sphinx, his tone as dry as dust. James swallowed, and nodded.

“If my bosses had realised, they would have asked me to do so like a shot. But no one knew.”

“But surely _you_ realised,” Sphinx pressed, needing to know the truth. “You must have – I was hardly subtle in my affections. So why didn’t you use that to your advantage?”

James didn’t answer at first, his expression thoughtful.

“It… it didn’t seem… fair,” he said slowly, and shrugged. “To use your feelings like that.”

“But surely you’ve done so before, as an agent,” said Sphinx, with raised brows, and received a reluctant nod. “So why was I any different?”

“Because you just _were_ ,” said James, looking faintly frustrated. “I don’t know why, but you got under my skin – you’re brilliant, and clever, and magnetising, and I just – I couldn’t. Not under those circumstances.”

Sphinx sat back, and regarded the secret agent sitting in front of him.

“What were you going to do,” he said eventually, “if I hadn’t found out who you were?”

“I don’t know.” James ate the last of his sandwich, and grabbed another. “I had no idea what I was doing, or what my end game was. It’s not like I _planned_ to fall in love with you, you know–” 

Sphinx’s breath caught.

“You’re in love with me?” he asked, feeling that incredulous smile spread across his face again, unable to help it.

James sent him a look of fond exasperation.

“Of _course_ I am, you think  I’d be here if I wasn’t? I’d’ve been out the door and escaping the moment you let me off that table, otherwise. Instead I’m here – betraying my organisation just by sitting here – hoping to God we can work something out of this.” James took another bite of his sandwich. 

Sphinx sat forward.

“You’re willing to betray them – for me?”

James gave a bitter laugh.

“It’s not like I had a choice anyway,” he said. “You’ve noticed no one’s come for me, right? That’s what happens, when you piss off the wrong people. You get sent out on deadly missions again and again, in the hope that sooner or later you’ll fail one of them. And your people are good – they _always_ uncover the agents who are sent after you.”

Sphinx frowned at that, dark and deadly.

“You think they were trying to kill you?”

“Have been for a while now,” said James, and smiled crookedly. “I have a habit of questioning and sometimes disobeying orders, you see. They couldn’t fire me – I know too much – but I was a liability to have around. And then there’s the fact that I slipped up, and they recently found out that I’m, ah, _of a certain persuasion_ , if you get my drift. That was the last straw.” James’ smile was tired. “They believe that men like me are intrinsically corruptible, you know. Doesn’t matter that I’ve never been anything but loyal – after all, if a man is ‘morally deficient’ in one area, he’s likely to be so in every other, right? It’s just a matter of time.” 

Sphinx felt a surge of white-hot protective fury. It must have shown on his face, because James’ pained smile faded, replaced by an uncertain look. Sphinx tried to control his expression, although it was difficult – the thought of someone deliberately sending James on a suicide mission – and James agreeing to it, because he had nothing else…

Well. Sphinx had always hated James’ organisation. Now he just had even more reason.

“I don’t believe that,” said Sphinx. “That who you love can make you ‘morally deficient’.”

James shrugged. 

“It wasn’t about love, for me. Not until now,” he added, looking suddenly, absurdly shy. Sitting there looking dishevelled, with a sandwich in one hand, and with that shy look on his face, he looked nothing like the suave, sophisticated man Sphinx had fallen in love with. It was funny, but the shy expression made him seem suddenly a lot younger – and a lot more vulnerable. But then, maybe James had always been this vulnerable – just better at hiding it.

Sphinx reached out to squeeze James’ free hand.

“I’m in love with you too, you know,” he said softly.

James managed a smile.

“I kind of got that impression,” he said. “What with the letting me go, and everything. With everything you’ve told me, I could destroy you. You know that, don’t you?”

“I know.” Sphinx did. “But I’m trusting that you won’t.” 

James smiled again then, his eyes bright, and went back to eating the sandwiches in front of him.

Sphinx finally took a sip of his coffee, sighing as it helped to clear his head, making him feel more awake.

James finished off the plate of sandwiches, and took a gulp of his own coffee, wincing as he discovered how hot it was.

“What about your family?” James asked abruptly. “According to your file, you have a wife and kids. Was that all a ruse, or…?”

Sphinx shook his head, the corners of his mouth drawing downwards.

“No, it’s true. I’ve been married for nine years,” he said, and pushed on despite his discomfort talking about this – because James had already been so honest, and it behoved Sphinx to do the same. “We… we tried to make it work, me and Natalia. I wanted kids, and I thought… I thought that loving her would be enough. But there was no spark, no… _frisson_ … My tastes always ran to men, and although I tried with Natalia, it just wasn’t enough.”

“I’m sorry,” said James, and he seemed to mean it.

“I’ve kept up the pretence that everything is fine for years, but I can’t do that anymore,” said Sphinx. “Not now that I know what I’m missing.” He let go of James’ hand, and reached up to cup the side of his face. 

James just looked at him steadily, neither leaning into the touch, nor leaning away. He simply stayed where he was, as though waiting to see what Sphinx chose to do next.

Sphinx let his hand fall, and James looked away.

“Part of me can’t believe I’m really doing this,” James admitted. “Actually turning my back on everything I’ve ever worked for, and for a _man_. I figured that at this point, death was inevitable, and now it’s not, and… I don’t know what to do with that.”

“You can take all the time you need,” said Sphinx, trying not to let on how deeply James’ casual admission pained him. “It will take me time, too, to sort things out with Natalia.” He grimaced. “She was an assassin, before we met. I don’t think she’ll actually kill me – for the kids’ sakes, if nothing else – but things could become a little… messy.”

James straightened in alarm.

“Are you sure you should –”

“I will deal with it,” Sphinx said firmly, understanding James’ objection before he’d even finished voicing it. “She is my wife, and this mess is of my making. The least I can do is take responsibility for it.”

Sphinx glanced at the clock. It was early in the morning.

“I’ll show you to one of the guest suites,” he said. “You’re probably tired.”

“After all that coffee?” James said, with a smile that didn’t disguise his exhaustion. “Well, maybe a little. And I could use the chance to think.”

“Come, then,” said Sphinx, putting their empty coffee cups and the empty plate in the sink for whoever found them in the morning – normally he would have washed them, supervillain or not, but James looked somewhat overwhelmed – Sphinx knew the feeling – and Sphinx wanted to get him settled.

So Sphinx led James back upstairs, into the residential wing, and found an empty guest suite. It was small – a living area-slash-kitchenette, a bedroom and ensuite bathroom – but comfortably furnished.

“You can stay here for tonight,” said Sphinx. “Breakfast is usually served in the mess hall, at eight – I’ll ask Anton to wake you, shall I?”

“As long as he does it from a distance,” James said, with a certain ruefulness to his smile. “I don’t react well to being woken, especially if I don’t know where I am.”

Sphinx filed that away, and nodded.

“Alright,” he said, and hesitated, reaching out to touch James’ shoulder. James looked back at him.

“Just so you know,” James said carefully, “I’m probably going to panic a little about this, tomorrow.”

“Understandable.” James had made some life-changing decisions tonight, ones that couldn’t be taken back, in the wake of a near-death experience, and it was bound to catch up with him at some point.

They looked at each other for a long moment, and then James exhaled audibly.

“Well, good night,” he said.

“To you as well,” said Sphinx, and he squeezed James’ shoulder gently before letting go. James walked into the bedroom, shutting the door behind him, and Sphinx left the suite.

Instead of going home – Sphinx couldn’t face that, right now – he headed towards his office, and wasn’t really surprised to see Anton and Gregory waiting for him.

“Are you certain you know what you’re doing, sir?” Gregory asked. “No offense, but I read this guy’s dossier – seduction and betrayal are part of his repertoire.” 

“I’m certain,” said Sphinx. “James and I have had our discussion. It was quite illuminating. Apparently, sending people after is me is what his organisation does when they wish to dispose of their more troublesome agents, these days.”

Anton sucked in a breath at that, but Gregory frowned.

“That doesn’t rule out him using you, sir – it only changes what he’s using you _for_.”

Sphinx sighed.

“Much as I appreciate your concern, Greg, I believe that James is sincere.”

“With all due respect, someone like him is bound to be a good liar.”

“No, no, you didn’t see him,” Anton interjected. “The look on his face when the boss joked about Addams killing him – no one could fake that. He looked like he’d rather face the laser than kill him. I almost felt sorry for the poor bastard.”

“Thank you, Anton.” Sphinx changed the subject. “Is there a reason why you’re both standing in front of my office?”

The two henchmen gave him knowing looks.

“Just setting up the sleeping bag and pillow for you, boss,” said Anton, who never missed anything, and had an uncanny ability to understand what thoughts were going on in Sphinx’s head at any given time. It was a useful trait in a henchman, if an unsettling one.

“Thank you,” said Sphinx, real gratitude in his voice – he’d been planning on sleeping in the chair behind his desk, which wouldn’t have been nearly so comfortable. “Make sure no one disturbs me before six-thirty at the earliest. Oh, and wake James at seven – knowing him, he’ll want to be presentable for breakfast. Just don’t get close when you wake him – I gather he has a somewhat violent reaction to being woken. If you could acquire some clean clothes for him as well, something comfortable but stylish, I’m sure he’d appreciate it.”

Anton nodded at the long list of instructions.

“Will do, boss.”

“Thank you, gentlemen. Have a good night.” With that, Sphinx shut himself into his office.

It took him a while to get to sleep, his mind whirring with everything he needed to do tomorrow – face Natalia and explain, make sure that James was okay with the choices he’d made, as well as all the usual day-to-day problems associated with being a supervillain – but eventually he drifted off.

His last thought was that, for once in his life, everything finally seemed to be working out. He hoped that trend continued.

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
